i cant live without you

hmm wouldnt it sound better coming from a guy than from your tired a** lips? trust me its a sweet sweet balm after you have dated some jerks. but right now you're no pleasure to date either.

to get a guy to wonder how he ever fed himself without your help, you need to make yourself indispensable.

lemme say that again. make yourself indispensable.  pick up his dry cleaning, does he have a spot he normally goes to? if yes, find a better place, better prices or better service. are his clothes a mess? guys are big babies, so take care of him. it takes you five extra minutes, and can will REALLY come in handy!! does he need to go to the doc, dentist?his dog needs to get its teeth done? make those appointments!! but do it right! with a good attitude and withOUT running your big flappy mouth. lay and wait. sound like an ambush. you better believe your too tight jeans its an ambush...(get rid of those jeans..too tight clothes make you look even fatter...cow)

i can already HEAR you saying "i aint no doormat" shut yer mouth. im not telling you to be. im telling you to be somebody he will actually MISS. be loving in the way HE needs it. bolster him up and let him know he is your hero. treat him how you want him to behave. like a MAN. if he is a lousy pick, and he is continually being a jerk and treating you like the doormat you USED to act like.....you need to move on. thats final, if youve got a loser...that makes you a loser also. ..loser.

if i have to spell it out for you

• find out what he needs most, and do it.
• talk about how GOOD he is in front of family and friends. never complain behind his back.
• do things for him nobody else can/will or has.
• look your best. not talking full war paint here ladies, you just dont have to dye your upper lip when hes around....k?

if you have read these and think im talking about the bedroom...im not. some my argue with me, but thats not really the way to a guys heart..thats the way to his pants...and thats just too simple. im asking you to use your brain and make him depend on you as a helpmate....dont pussy out and get into bed with him.

medulla oblongata

whos talking? you or where you came from?? different demographics have their own slang and commonly  mispronounced words. if you are axing yourself what im talking about... you may be taking your speech for granite. *shudders* its "granted" you fool! GRANTed.

i should be ashamed of myself. my blog should be ashamed of me. my grammar and spelling are atrocious. i have so many grammatical errors i dont even know the correct words to describe my errors. id say my syntaxes are whack but i dont think id be using it in the correct context.....

whatever. its a turn off to a guy that DOES know how to speak correctly. lets say you are on a date, and they guys speech is all over the place.what do you do? ill tell you what it doesnt do!! it DOES NOT GIVE YOU LICENSE TO REVERT BACK TO THE GIRL THAT SAYS "LIBERRY"!! he might be used to the dredges of society, he parties and hangs with a different class of people than he was born amongst. surprise him and show him that you can be brought back home. surprise yourself!

do not get discouraged and quit speaking correctly and politely if you dont get the response you are looking for. you know why you arent going to get stupid? because you should be speaking correctly anyway. do you want a pat on the back for 15 min of not sounding dumb?? no, it should never cross your mind again. this is just the way you speak now. get used to it.

dont be a beastie

its not that hard. yea i said it, its not.

its not rocket science or even calc, which we all know girls like us didnt pass....havent you ever hear ''fake it to make it" i used to call it "look over that smart persons shoulder". same thing, no? YES! copy a girl thats got it right!. it takes effort not brains. you dont have to be cunning,underhanded,wily(oh wait you do have to be that one) or come up with strategic plans or procedure. the girl on your lefts got i all figured out hasnt she? lets talk about her for a bit. not the trashy girl that got married to her buck-toothed boyfriend, the pretty one. on your OTHER left idiot.

first i should define pretty. pretty is HEALTHY. she might not be a flamboyant beauty but she doesnt have frizzled short hair from over dyeing like you. she might be mousy, but you have blackheads from trying to cover up the damage that you did drinking the night before done, she doesnt need to . another thing she has that you dont...yea. a husband to love her and take care of her.

i dont wanna hear "a guy should like me for who i am" do you like you? i dont. you have matted hair and teeth with a film on them. hair growing in places a guy should think only grows on dudes...ya get my point?ill leave you with this...

pick a girl thats got what you want. it can be a celeb, it can be your mom..(well,...dont choose your mom unless she is the opposite of you..sorry) the pretty girl that works in the office next to you. before you bitch and snivel,  "i wanna be me" remember; you are not getting what you want now...so stop being a nasty turd and fix it.

au revoir, and invite me to the wedding that im going to single handedly make happen for you........

i can see the pleading in your eyes baby

stop that! stop it this instant! if i had a spray bottle id be using it. guys know when a girl want a husband. worse, they might want kids! now this is what a dude is thinking. not me ok? kids are fine (that spray bottle comes in handy with them too) but marriage + kids..well thats asking a lot from a guy. so what are we to do? smash them over the head with out overstuffed makeup kits full of dreams? nay, much simpler. fake it.

there is an extremely fine line here girls so lets be mindful. dos and donts? ok!

do's

• well...actually lets concentrate on the donts ....

donts

• dont be pessimistic like me....this blog is for hunters. here you can be pissy..out there..... you have to be ready to compete and there is NO ROOM  for negativity.
• dont quiz him. let him talk, he'll make or break himself  on his own
• dont make weird faces. stand in front of a mirror (for everyones sake, do this alone) and pretend you are having a convo with a hottie. laugh, coquette, smile and purr. video yourself if you are smart, the girl that videos herself and is HONEST will be the deserving dude-catcher.she will triumph
• dont itch yourself, even your face, it looks bad
• dont tell gross stories. if you are reading this and are about to leave thinking this is obvious advice...make sure you havent tried one of these disturbing topics; sores, how much/and what you like to eat, permanent injuries, scars, moles, allergies, sickness, state of your pathetic bank account, parents/family that dislike you..etc

now that last one..i could go on and on. if he asks, sure tell him, but do not go into detail. there are some smart guys out there and they might just be interviewing you too! be smarter. answer but make it short and sweet. and leave out the details that might make you look bad. the conversations that i have overheard would amaze you!! or if they wouldnt...you cant afford to not do what im telling you. guys dont want to hear about how you are a defective unit.save that for later:)

au revoir and invite me to the wedding. ive got it all covered, just follow me.